The Kebilsphere

February 27, 1999
Today the second last before march which quickly slides into spring through summer
without the blink of an eye, and then back to cold dreary winter. I don’t think I shall survive one
more winter. I don’t think I can handle one more frozen December (don’t think I want to) blasting through my
bones hurtling my mind into corners I run from, cupboards I am scared to open, drawers
I can never clean out, can never reclaim, moving from house to house always trying to
outrun the ghosts that chase me so mercilessly, painfully reproaching me, approaching me,
following me from inside, trying to get out, peering out through my eyes,
I look in the mirror, and do not know who I am.

All I can do is tell you the secret numbers
180
120
now you do the math

Back from a brink
  without even a wink
    from hospital stays
      and a drug filled haze
We left each other
     and went our own ways

Yeah, this is my third posting in about 1 hour time stretch, but it is only because I have more time than money honey. I was wondering why nobody was commenting on my posts, but I realized that it was obvious, because there is nobody else. The entire premise of this website is that it is for all the solopsists, which would be only me, because I know that I exist, and if only one person exists and I exist then I must be the only person that exists, so if I want to get comments on my posts I need to start making them myself

Here are the results of the latest personality test I did, I went in thinking I was an INTP, the architect type, but apparently this morning I have more feelings. I think maybe my personality depends on the time of day more than on me. Apparently I am self actuallized, as my actual type is the same as my preferred type which is the same as the type I am attracted to.

I am thinking of doing as many personality tests as I can on the internet to see if they agree with each other, and to what degree. Maybe I will try to make one say that I am actually healthy, I wonder what that would be like. I got this rating from this personality test site

Apparently I am very disordered, although I am almost not dependant and just barely obsessive compulsive. Maybe I should do a test to see if I am gay, lesbian, or male heteresexual or female heterosexual.

According to SimilarMinds.com the below table lists my personality traits as determined by their personality tests. The numbers in light grey are the web averages, whereas the bright white numbers are the results as referring to me in particular (whoever that may be)

personality tests by similarminds.com

Dextromethorphan never ceases to amaze me. It is like having an entire pharmacopia of drugs in on entity. Now I do not condone the use or experimentation of this drug by anybody at anytime except when used as directed on the label. That sort of non-smart instruction can be found at Third Plateau> or at my friends at Erowid

Low doses have an almost stimulating effect I am told (such as between 60 to 120, maybe up to 180mg). These are just barely above recommended doses and are relatively easy to handle. I have been told that doses above this can produce drastically different effects, with mid level doses producing a kind of stoned feeling, higher doses impairing movement and judgement, and really high doses producing a total dissociative effect whereas you lose all sense of ego boundary, become one with everything. Closed eyes hallucinations are common, often one cannot tell if they have their eyes open or not, and the closed eye world seems more real than the open eyed world

How many of you have conducted chemical and pharmacological experiments on yourselves? Reply to this email as soon as possible if you still have the cognitive and motor abilities to do so.

Another one of those rainy days outside. Staying at the ‘rents place, all I got with me are clothes and some papers. Even have to use this crappy computer. The saving grace is that I do have my MP3 player, and the is a nice long bike trail that I can use as I terrorize the town on my brothers mountain bike. Weaving through small town traffic sure scares people. Ah, yes, do I stay or go now. Kind of at a tiping point in my life and don’t know what to make of it. Dad wants me to back to the ‘done program, I am wary because although I love dolophine, it tends to make me less functional in general, but more functional than when on straight dope.