There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you
Something I want to say
But it would be mean to call you
And thank you for going away
Since you left me
Everyday has been better
I don’t remember what I thought you were giving me
But I don’t miss it at all
So thanks for the good memories
I will cherish both of them
And thanks for walking away from me
You really were not a good friend
Today
Today is just over seven years
Since we first met
A lot happened in those years
A lot of laughs
A lot of tears
Happiness
Joy
Hurt
Disappointment
Forgiveness
Starting over
And always loving each other
I still miss you each and every day
You are not forgotten
Not one tiny bit
I still smile when I think of you
I cry when I think of you
More than anything
I wish you were still around
January 16, 1999
Snow on the rooftops capping the sleepers inside a distant ringing sound in my ears and a buzzing hum beneath my skin nerves frayed and tingling and the itching just will not go away. Alone at last for so long I have forgotten how to speak and the times they are a’ changing.
Rebalance system reassemble my insides to resemble something human and I can’t remember growing up but here I am twenty three years old and never kissed a girl ninety three years old and never forgiven anyone forgotten memories forgiven sins of distant stars twinkling down hard and cruel in their flight away fleeing our self destruction slow motion suicidal repressed sexual urges and Freudian slips of cotton candy tongues dripping sugar and mellow sunny summer stoned Sunday afternoons lying in dusty fields on rolling hills in the valleys and running around gravel pits and forgetting what we want to forget and making memories that will never come true but every one has their own mythology to live with.
I turn the radio off but the silence scares me, the light goes off and all my eyes can see are ghosts and flashes of lights and monsters hiding around corners and under my bed unable to put my feet on the ground because they are hiding under the bed waiting to snap off my ankles pray to some god any god save my soul and I know I’ll die tonight forgive my sins but I can’t remember all of them should keep a list for emergencies like this but I don’t believe in sin just guilt as a natural consequence of each breath squandered talking to people who I can’t look in the eye people whose eyes look right through me I’m not here I’m not here I nowhere man everywhere but somewhere hungry tired and cold smoking away my life each puff takes away a minute, one more minute that I have escaped from, twenty five cents a minute, buy me a decade give me the ticket ready to board the train bottles clanging in my closet why don’t they sell vodka in six gallon bottles save the environment save my soul save yourself it’s to late run for cover run for shelter run out of gas running out of time time to spare time to hide time to get up and fall off your horse and get back up again fall off the wagon and the wagon just keeps rolling along, empty but sober sobriety is a tough act to follow, follow the flow of the water of life back to the source the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil of everlasting life sour fruit poison from god poison running through my veins stomach cramps and withdrawal writhing in agony feverish anxiety craving sleepless yen collapse and repent desire carving away at the back of the brain aching muscles bleeding gums swollen liver bad lungs hacking cough can’t eat can’t sleep can’t concentrate move on to the next page turn away run away get out while you can leave whilst though may.
