Looking for Happiness

29 10 2008

clonazepam -Rivotril, alprazolam - Xanax, bromazepam, nitrazepam - Mogadon, lorazepam - Ativan, diazepam - Valium, primidone, chlordiazepoxide - Librium, clorazepate, flurazepam, oxazepam - Serax, temazepam - Restoril, triazolam - Halcion, zopiclone - Imovane, zolpidem - Ambien, zaleplon - Starnoc, codeine, morphine, hydromorphone, oxycodone, oxymorphone, hydrocodone, pentazocine, meperidine, methadone, fentanyl, sufentanil, thioridazine, risperidone, methyphenidate, pemoline, dexedrine, cocaine, modafinil, quetiapine, olanzapine, sertraline, fluoxetine, fluvoxamine, nefazadone, trazodone, bupropion, lithium, dextromethorphan, donepezil, amitriptyline, ephedrine, pseudoephedrine, chloroform, alfentanil, amantadine, diphenhydramine, dimenhydrinate, lidocaine, secobarbital, amobarbital, butalbital, caffeine, levodopa, carisoprodol, citalopram, clobazam, cyclobenzaprine, tetrahydrocannibinol, dexamethasone, prednisone, MMDA, fluvoxamine, ketamine, levothyroxine, methocarbamol, midazolam, mirtazapine, naloxone, nicotine, nitrous oxide, nitroglycerine, salbutamol, paroxetine, thiopental, 5-hydroxytryptamine, valerian, kava, venlafaxine, alcohol, psilocybin



Need to Exorcise

29 10 2008

I killed Di
I killed Di

Everyone tells me that I should not feel guilty
But I know that part of it is my fault

Di was so much like me
It was why we made such a deadly couple
And she hurt just like me

She never did admit it
But maybe there is a hint in what happened with Chris
Maybe she was desperately afraid of being left

But nobody that knows here would say that, as she
Was the one who kept on leaving
Until there was me

I held on to hear for 5 years, lost her after 6
To her own hand
With Daddy’s gun
Steps away from him

Was it partly the hurt of us being separated
That kept pushing her so hard
And pushing her to the point of a violent death
All her other attempts being suicide

These thoughts burn in my head



Losing Streak

28 10 2008

I have been on a very long losing streak
.

They Tell me it will get better,

.

Well, I used to believe that

But I now think it is all just more of the same

.

Things go up, things go down
that is the nature of life

.

I get mentally well,
I get mentally less well

.

I make good decisions,
I make huge mistakes

.

I learn from my mistakes

.

And I learn new ways to screw things up

It is important to always be learning

.

And some of my mistakes have been fun for awhile



Emergence

17 10 2008

Trying to build up an understanding
. .To formulate a way make sense of this thing called consciousness
Cannot be done by adding together the pieces and
. .the individual facts that we know about the brain

We do not really get anywhere by understanding
. .individual receptors, synapses, and neurons
We can try to use this knowledge to build up a
. .model of neural circuits
And we can try to piece together all the neural circuits
. .that we have thus far discovered
But this does not give us any idea of where consciousness comes from

Receptors, neurons, neural circuits, these are all things
. .that we have in common with all other animals
And if we try to delineate the differences between the brain
. .of a rat, a cat, a dog, a monkey, or an ape
We only come up with quantitative differences,
. .nothing really qualitative to distinguish us

If we want to say that we have a spark of consciousness
Some thing we call self-awareness
. .that supposedly separates us from these animal
We do not find it in something that we have that animals don’t
. . we do not have a structure in our brain that is anything
. .what is different is only the amount of brain we have
. .and differences in the relative sizes of some part of brain to
. .another part, i.e.
. .we have more frontal cortex than the ape

. .but that is just a difference in relative amount

If it is this relative difference that makes us so much different
. .then we come toe to toe, face to face, with something
. . that many of us absolutely refuse to accept
That is, we are merely more conscious, more self aware
Unless we want to propose the preposterous idea that self awareness
. .arises when we cross a threshold amount of, say, frontal cortex,
or hippocampus, or visual cortex, or Broca’s area, or something
And that makes little sense when we consider that people
. .that suffer from organic brain disorders, brain damage
can have large pieces of brain missing, and yet be
. .totally self aware, conscious, and aware.

Trying to build a model of self awareness from the bottom up
. .to me seems to be a hopeless pursuit
. .and maybe not possible

I believe self-awareness and consciousness is an emergent property,
. .the result of recursive circuits, positive and negative feedback loops
. .and organized patterns of energy and energy flow

This ability of the mind to examine itself,
. .and the key to this is language.
I wonder if animals, when they are thinking, have
. .a voice in their head.
Is it the ability of humans to develop very complex systems of
. .language and grammar
is it this particular skill,
. .is it this the thing that enables man to
. .examine himself
. .to know himself,
. .experience himself

I think this is what truly sets us apart
. .from the animals around us
I have no doubt that they have some
. .rudimentary way to talk to themselves
I don’t believe their language is sufficiently
. .complex enough to discuss metaphysics
I believe that if my cat developed
. .a sufficient complex language
she would be able to contemplate herself

Humans developed language because they had the
. .physical ability and the social need, and the intellect
No human could,
. .alone,
. .with no input from anybody else
No human could develop a language complex enough
. .to discuss philosophy with himself, by himself
. .within the span of one lifetime
. .without some training from somebody else

It is language, which is a social creation that
. .is very old, and which
. .has grown up over the course of hundreds of years
. . living not in one person, but in all of us
Language gives us the tools to become self aware
. .and self-conscious

. .and to discuss philosophy,
. .and argue about this very idea

There are only so many ways to say woof woof, or meow meow



Another Winter

9 10 2008

February 27, 1999
Today the second last before march which quickly slides into spring through summer
without the blink of an eye, and then back to cold dreary winter. I don’t think I shall survive one
more winter. I don’t think I can handle one more frozen December (don’t think I want to) blasting through my
bones hurtling my mind into corners I run from, cupboards I am scared to open, drawers
I can never clean out, can never reclaim, moving from house to house always trying to
outrun the ghosts that chase me so mercilessly, painfully reproaching me, approaching me,
following me from inside, trying to get out, peering out through my eyes,
I look in the mirror, and do not know who I am.



Me and my Wormy Mind

8 10 2008

I found this among my old computer files…

My mind is full of worms
These thoughts that just won’t stop
Unable to sleep
To tired to move
Bored to tears
Not interested in anything

I pass the time staring at the walls
do the dishes,
wash the floor,
do the laundry
but still the thoughts won’t leave me alone

The drugs and the doctors don’t do me much good
but it seems I can’t live without

Does this all mean something?
Or should I just give it all up?

I don’t need a reason to die
I need a reason to live

Days go on…
…and on…
…and on
Time grates on my nerves

I am alone but not lonely,
And nobody knows who I am

I might as well just disappear

I already have