Successful Things

25 08 2007

I am not made of success stories
Or even stories that should be repeated
I rarely dare to venture back through my prior writings
Or I stumble across something like I did today, when I found this

Monday, January 29, 2007

I may get out of this mess alive, but I am not going to holding my breath for it anyways, not much really left to live for. This have been getting stranger everyday, everyday is more confusing than the day before that. Every night is a more hellish nightmare than the on before it. I downward plunge, not even a spiral, is what I am going through.



Codeine Physicochemical Properties

18 08 2007

Systematic (IUPAC) name: 7,8-didehydro-4,5-epoxy-3-methoxy-17-methylmorphinan-ol
Identifiers

CAS number 76-57-3
ATC code R05DA04 N02AA59
PubChem 5284371
DrugBank APRD00120

Chemical data Formula C18H21NO3
Mol. mass 299.364 g/mol

Pharmacokinetic data Bioavailability ~90% Oral
Metabolism ?
Half life 2.5 - 3 hours
Excretion ?
Therapeutic considerations
Pregnancy cat. ?

Legal status Schedule I(CA) Class B(UK) Schedule II(US)

Routes oral, intra-rectally, SC, IM



Methadonia

18 08 2007

Methadone Synthesis

Dolophine, the trade name of methadone, is notable as being one of the first fully synthetic opiates. It was developed during the second world war when Germany was facing a shortage of opiates due to trade restrictions and embargoes. It turned out to be much cheaper and simpler to synthesize methadone than grow opium.

Methadone consumption by the oral route does not create the huge, massive and intense wave of euphoria that opiates when taken parenterally do. However, it does create an initial opiate buzz, especially in the intolerant user. After continued use, as tolerance builds up, the ability of methadone to create a high is lessened and lessened, until it’s consumption does not so much create a high, but prevents the low of opiate withdrawal. An explanation for why continuous methadone dosing decreasing the euphoriant effect is due to the long duration of action of methadone. Whereas heroin, morphine, and oxycodone all begin to wear off within 4 to 6 hours, the duration of effect of methadone used chronically is about 24 to 36 hours. Thus, a person using parenteral illicit opiates achieves a larger high, followed by a much lower low, the person on methadone does not experience these great changes in opiate activity. It is probable that the continued opiate stimulation is no longer recognized as a high when there is no low to compare it to, and it is the relative difference between on and off that creates the subjective feelings of getting high.

Methadone, when used at appropriate doses in persons addicted to opiates, blocks the craving and hunger for opiates, thus effectively reducing the drive for an addict to inject illicit opiates.. At high doses, it also has the effect of being an opiate blocker (not opiate antagonist). The theory behind this concept is that, at the correct (high) dose, there is so much opiate receptor activation and methadone occupies such a high fraction of opiate receptors, that the addition of more opiates ( such as the injection of heroin or morphine, does not produce any real initial effect. This lack of effect will thus dissuade the user from continuing to supplement his does.

This blockade of supplemental opiates however can lead to attempts at polypharmacy. It is not uncommon for former heroin addicts, when place on methadone maintainance, to try and achieve the previous drug induced euphoria by starting to use stimulants, especially IV cocaine, or crack cocaine.

It also does not wear of as quickly, producing a long lasting, steady, consistent and constant level of activity. The mellow and sedate state that one slips into is like a semi-nod, at least for the first while, until tolerance starts to spoil the party. The fact that it is able to satiate the opiate hunger while still leaving the individual coherent and relatively sober



Existence and Essence

15 08 2007

I am trying to come to terms with my existential angst, what Sartre called Nausea

And I what I need to explain myself is not more words but less

Perhaps a precise picture of the problem which is my puzzle
(How is that for alliteration)

Maybe the answer to the meaning of existence
Is that we are here to question our essence

That is, we are the answer searching for the question

Or, to put it in proper solipsist terms
I am the answer to the question

Existence precedes essence, and
“man has no predefined purpose or meaning”



Now You Are Gone

13 08 2007

So now you’ve really left
Just like I asked you to
And I can’t help but feel
Like I really fucked up good this time

We seperated, but you were always in my heart
Now you are leaving,
And I am falling apart

I need you back to soothe my pain
I need you like I always did
But I choose this path
And now you are really gone



Naught or Nary

9 08 2007

My demons once again
they all know where I am staying

While ghosts from my past
find my changing address
to be a rather bemusing regression

New habits die hard,
an old habit will never leave you

‘n addiction is naught but
accidentally self induced sickness
self imposed sentence
with consequence unintended

I became a slave by escaping
now a slave to escapism
My monkey sleeps on my back

Self deceit for me, will always be
a conviently coherent delirium

From harsh reality all around me
pray Papaver will keep me

This is the reason why
Alchemy is my sole sustenance

While storms doth rage outside
with my puppy here I will hide
Nature abhors abstinence

By the River Nepenthe, whilst sipping absinthe,

he forgot to remember,

do you know what I was saying



Morning and the Setting Sun

7 08 2007

Day by day it is dawning upon me
The fog meekly melts away leaving behind
A blanket of tears on the razor blades of grass

This gap between you and I
Stretching from me at dawn to you at dusk
This distance that separates us is not to be closed
We are now separated from each other by the length of the day

You are off to disappear into the mysterious night from which you came
You disappear from me just as you appeared to me
An ethereal apparition waxing and waning in form and fashion

You came to me out of the dead of my night
You became the light that warmed my face
The flowers followed you as you passed by
The birds sang songs to you, the trees soaked in your love

At midday you shone so brightly, burning my skin, razing my eyes

Then you slowly began to set
I say you going down, I knew it to be inevitable

I summoned up a storm, a tempest, a typhoon to keep you
Clouds gathered, lightning flared, thunder rolled
But it did naught to keep you from setting
All I did was to block you from my sight for a time

Then came several months of sullen acceptance
That this is how you are
And this is how you always must be
And I cannot stop the night from falling over me
Separating you and I, my heart aches to Di

And I know that somewhere else
On somebody else’s horizon, you will
Once again be the rising sun

And I hope, I know, that someday I may
Find comfort with another one.



Hypnagognic Poetry

3 08 2007

Time for this idiot to start thinking,
considering, weighing out my options for the fall

Which may be a lot different than I had suppossed.

For sometimes I think of how coming here might be a temporary cabin.
Which may be a returning to…

This was all about the two of us.

They only discussed this in the abstract.
It was always a third party perspective we took
And about the relationship, we never knew how
We had ever kept it together

This leaves me with no real cook
Somebody please volunteer.

…and I don’t think I can be…



Lately I’ve been having those days

1 08 2007

Lately I have been lapsing backing into those days
Those old ways
Tried and true, perfectly fitting, a fit perfected
Revisiting history, strolling down through the memories
Reconstructing a personal narrative reiterated
Reliving memories of self-destruction
Trying to understand this Thanatos,
Harnessing the dangerous drives within

Trying to forge a new pathway
Through the dense bush that is my future
It is so much easier to travel the trails
Than to venture into the overgrowth of unknown territory
It is easier to go down paths that I know where they lead
Than to set down tracks anew, to a destination unknown

I mean, I can pick a destination and head towards it
But without an accurate map or the
Lack of a guide whatsoever
The route to the end in question so uncertain
I may be headed towards a hidden chasm
Or may end up on the edge of a thicket of thorns impassable
The shores of a river uncrossable
And sometimes the long way there is the only way that is possible

So as to not ring alarm bells, all I admit to is that…
Time can be slow to go by
Time so slowly slips by, but
The minutes and hours, soon days and weeks
Then months and years and decades quietly build up
Until there is more time behind than ahead.
Sometimes I wonder if it is not better
To just stay where I am at