The Kebilsphere

Like two drunks, blind from blood, sweat, tears
Lurching at each other, stumbling through oncoming traffic
Swinging madly at each other
Punches flung past each other
Fists driving into reflections of ourselves, in pools of blood on the pavement

Smash my head on the windshield of a yuppie terrorist SUV
Stupid Ugly Violence, driving by, killing the environment while we kill each other
I don’t know if auto insurance covers the act of homicidal emotionally insane maniac
No longer is this domestic violence, nothing domesticated about
Pure wild anger barely disguised as words, typewritten or spoken, or slurred
Hammering out my anger on the keyboard
My fingers swollen bloody, nails ripped off
This computer monitor is minutes away from flying across the living room
Only wish you were there to catch it with your head

Yeah this is ugly mean and vengeful, I say these things into the ether
because you don’t give me the time of day to say them to you

You won’t even give me the satisfaction of being heard
And so I yell into the void that is cyberspace
There is no sound in a vacumm
There is no sound in the emptiness of black space

So I ready myself for another dark time of nightmares and bad dreams
Wishing that I would not wake up again from the sound of my screams

Yes, I am at one with the universe, the peace of nature flows through me
I am a creature of love and creation
nay, homicidal ideation

Fuck you, you selfish bitch
And damn the parents who spoilt you and let you stay a
40 year old whining child

That is about all that I can say to you now
You no longer hear anything I have to say
You call when you need my money
You call when you need my sympathy
You call when you want an emotional punching bag

I only know that most of the time I am doing pretty good
Save for when you call me
And then I can be sure that the next 12 hours will be filled with
Anger
Fear
Self Recrimination
A desperation born of self loathing
And the feeling like you stole five years of my life, so that
you could live a life of laziness and self-indulgence

It is now wonder I so wanted to kill my feelings with as
much alcohol and opiates as I could swallow and snort
And a surprise that the amount I did get my hands on
did not kill me by “natural causes”
And a miracle that I did not die by mine or your hand

Although sometimes it feels like you did succeed
and kill a large part of me
The part from which my dreams once came from
The part that was filled with hope
The part that could envision a future not alone