The Kebilsphere

I am thinking of doing as many personality tests as I can on the internet to see if they agree with each other, and to what degree. Maybe I will try to make one say that I am actually healthy, I wonder what that would be like. I got this rating from this personality test site

Apparently I am very disordered, although I am almost not dependant and just barely obsessive compulsive. Maybe I should do a test to see if I am gay, lesbian, or male heteresexual or female heterosexual.

According to SimilarMinds.com the below table lists my personality traits as determined by their personality tests. The numbers in light grey are the web averages, whereas the bright white numbers are the results as referring to me in particular (whoever that may be)

personality tests by similarminds.com

Dextromethorphan never ceases to amaze me. It is like having an entire pharmacopia of drugs in on entity. Now I do not condone the use or experimentation of this drug by anybody at anytime except when used as directed on the label. That sort of non-smart instruction can be found at Third Plateau> or at my friends at Erowid

Low doses have an almost stimulating effect I am told (such as between 60 to 120, maybe up to 180mg). These are just barely above recommended doses and are relatively easy to handle. I have been told that doses above this can produce drastically different effects, with mid level doses producing a kind of stoned feeling, higher doses impairing movement and judgement, and really high doses producing a total dissociative effect whereas you lose all sense of ego boundary, become one with everything. Closed eyes hallucinations are common, often one cannot tell if they have their eyes open or not, and the closed eye world seems more real than the open eyed world

How many of you have conducted chemical and pharmacological experiments on yourselves? Reply to this email as soon as possible if you still have the cognitive and motor abilities to do so.

Rosetta Stoned
by Tool, from 10,000 days

Alrighty, then … picture this if you will.

10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kremes,
in my “need to know” pose, just outside of Area 51
Contemplating the whole “chosen people” thingy
when a flaming stealth banana split the sky
like one would hope but never really expect
to see in a place like this.
Cutting right angle donuts on a dime
and stopping right at my Birkenstocks,
and me yelping…

Holy fucking shit!

Then the X-Files being,
Looking like some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan
with Isabella Rossellini lips, and breath that reeked of
vanilla Chig Champa
Did a slow-mo Matrix descent
Outta the butt end of the banana vessel
And hovered above my bug-eyes, my gaping jaw,
and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip,
and all I could think was:
“I hope Uncle Martin here doesn’t notice
that I pissed my fuckin’ pants.”

So light in his way,
Like an apparition, [that]
He had me crying out,
“Fuck me
It’s gotta be
the Deadhead Chemistry
The blotter got [right] on top of me
Got me seein’ E-motherfuckin’-T!”

And after calming me down
with some orange slices
and some fetal spooning,
E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose.
He said, “You are the Chosen One,
the One who will deliver the message.
A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
and a warning for those who do not.”
Me. The Chosen One?
They chose me!!!
And I didn’t even graduate from fuckin’ high school.

You’d better…
You’d better…
You’d better…
You’d better listen.

Then he looked right through me
With somniferous almond eyes
Don’t even know what that means
Must remember to write it down
This is so real
Like the time Dave floated away
See, my heart is pounding
‘Cause this shit never happens to me

I can’t breathe right now!
[Rosetta Stoned lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

It was so real,
Like I woke up in Wonderland.
All sorta terrifying
I don’t wanna be all alone
While I tell this story.
And can anyone tell me why
Y’all sound like Peanuts parents?
Will I ever be coming down?
This is so real
Finally, it’s my lucky day
See, my heart is racing
‘Cause this shit never happens to me

I can’t breathe right now!

You believe me, don’t you?
Please believe what I’ve just said!
See the Dead ain’t touring
And this wasn’t all in my head.
See, they took me by the hand
And invited me right in.
Then they showed me something
I don’t even know where to begin.

Strapped down [to] my bed
Feet cold [and] eyes red
I’m out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Can’t remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed.

Hey …

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position.
Such a heavy burden now to be the One
Born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending,
To write it down for all the world to see.

But I forgot my pen
Shit the bed again …
Typical.

Strapped down [to] my bed
Feet cold and eyes red
I’m out of my head
Am I alive? Am I dead?
Sunkist and Sudafed *
Gyroscopes and infrared
Won’t help, I’m brain dead
Can’t remember what they said
God damn, shit the bed

I can’t remember what they said to me
Can’t remember what they said to make me out to be a hero
Can’t remember what they said
Bob help me!
Can’t remember what they said

[We] don’t know, [and we] won’t know (x12)

God damn, shit the bed!

Another one of those rainy days outside. Staying at the ‘rents place, all I got with me are clothes and some papers. Even have to use this crappy computer. The saving grace is that I do have my MP3 player, and the is a nice long bike trail that I can use as I terrorize the town on my brothers mountain bike. Weaving through small town traffic sure scares people. Ah, yes, do I stay or go now. Kind of at a tiping point in my life and don’t know what to make of it. Dad wants me to back to the ‘done program, I am wary because although I love dolophine, it tends to make me less functional in general, but more functional than when on straight dope.

“This Is How I Disappear”

by My Chemical Romance

To un-explain the unforgivable,
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show.
By streetlight this dark night,
A séance down below.
There’re things that I have done,
You never should ever know!

And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Who walks among the famous living dead,
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed.
And if you could talk to me,
Tell me if it’s so,
That all the good girls go to heaven.
Well, heaven knows

That without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I’d choke on figure out.
I’m really not so with you anymore.
I’m just a ghost,
So I can’t hurt you anymore,
So I can’t hurt you anymore.

And now, you wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me go, fuck!
So, you can, well now so, you can
I’m so far away from you.
Well now so, you can.

And without you is how I disappear,
And without you is how I disappear,
Whoa whoa… (And without you is how I disappear)
Whoa whoa… (And without you… is how, is how, is how…)
Forever, forever now!

The world is not what we think it is. There is more to it, and less to it than we think. The distance from one though to another is not measurable in time. We only see what our sense allow us to see. There is a universe out there teeiming with signals and colour and flavour that we are just not suited to noticing. Epiphenomonalisit, phenomallist, rationalist, irrationalist, nihilist, solipsist. There must be some thing to why there is anything. And don’t tell me that God is an answer, because that is just begging the question why is there a god. And if there is a god, where is he these days. And if there is a god, who created him. Ex nihilo est,we come from nothingness, to that nothing we soon shall return. Out life on this planet is but a quirk of nature, it was bound to happen somewhere in the universe that life and intelligence would arise, that it was our planet was just happenstance. We are here, then we are gone

Circumstances, if nothing at all, change. They may not always change for the better, and probably the first few days, weeks, months, needles, maybe even years can be the hardest apart. I am of course referring to the severance of the bond between me and Di. We parted ways on the 2nd of this June, 2007, after having known each other for exactly 6 years, and lovers for 5 1/2  yars of our relationship, but people and things change. Wait, I take that back, people don’t really change, but realtionships sure do

Actually, the first few days after we sepearatedI left her ally easy. I ate a lot, slept constantly, and had not a care in the world, actually I think I had a sum total of seven thoughts and feelings over those days, less than I usually would have had while eating a bowl of porridge. My body and brain was devoid of thoughts and feelings. I don’t know where my mind and heart went, I have a feeling they either slipt into a coma, were in the drunk tank without me, were just ignoring me, or hoping I would go away so they could come back at a later time.  

It reminded me a lot of alose those times I was on the methadone program, the last time being (for the fourth time) in November through January. Talk about being comfortably numb, confortably dumb was what . Sure, I was  incomprehnsible, I could only mumle in nonsense syllables that made no sense whatsoever. And even I did not know what I was talking about. Full blown hallucinations, delusions, some sot of toxic psychosis. So that was how I managed to avoid this past Christmas season, my wife’s birthday, New Years eve, and all for what, we still don’t know what went so wrong with my head

 Well, so ends my first blog, I think I shall call it my blob rather than a blog. We will see if I can keep it up and actually stick with something as reveealn as alprofitl