The Kebilsphere

It seems like all my life I have been
looking for something,
somebody,
somewhere

I’ve been looking searching
screaming
scouring
so hard to find some…

…the more I look, the harder I have tried

              the more often I come back to where I first left off from
trying to figure out where I am trying to get to

And I accumulate nothing 
shattered visions of crystal clear futures

dreams that dissappear upon awakening

pain deep inside
agony so deep I laugh when I tug on the root of it at all

I have lost so much, and yet I never had all that much to start off with

I still have myself

Maybe my journey is not to find
          something else,
                 somewhere else,
                       some place,
                          some time,
                               some anything

maybe it is to find nothing else

To find nothing else, but me, not even me

Might I, until then, just keep trudging along these same byways, sideways

Losing bits of myself along the way…
     pieces lost
          pieces sold
              pieces stolen
                  pieces given away or pawned

I think the answer will come, not when I have figured out the question, or found someone to answer it

                    I am to keep moving onwards, losing bits of me along the way

until I have nothing left to lose or gain

and then I will have found

myself

Having come so far as to realize I am catching up on myself, while all the time not catching up on my sleep nor my reading. Good thing I no longer have schoolwork or bookwork because then they would all be piling up, and the only thing I can do anymore is fall upwards so it would seem.

 Here is how I came to find myself falling upwards. It must have been late at night, or very early in the morning. I woke up to check my pulse, and did not have one. Fearing the worst, I flung myself upon the floor, but the floor it moved and space took it’s place. Seeing as to how I was no longer heading down to the ground, I realized in astonishment that I may just be heading somewhere else. Somewhere else but down includes up, so possibly I am falling up. If I were to fall sideways it would no longer be falling it would simply be moving. So at the end of a bottomless pit is the top of the world, and if you fall long enough eventually you will  land at the top of the pile

Suppose one day you believed that only you (or in my case, my) mind and thoughts were all that existed or could be proved to exist. Suppose now the next day some event occured that so profoundly affected you that you doubted whether you had the strength to withstand the consequences. If so, does this mean that you (rather, me) am destroying my own world by imaginging an outside force, an imaginary Shiva god wrath, or maybe it is my Freudian Death Instinct come to bear, or does this mean that my solpsistic philosophy has betrayed me and proven itself incoherent precisely the day after I decided it did not matter if I was right or not, whether I was alive or dead, that everything seem so ethereal anyways that existence was such a subjective matter as not to deserve considered debate about.

If so, either I have met with the anti-solipsistic equivalent and we are mutually self annhilating, the me that only is, and the other that is everything but me, or I have been wrong all along. Either you will be able to bear witness or I won’t.

Something must be wrong when things just seem to be going so right. All around me, everything I once held to be true, things that I dared not doubt or rationalize, thoughts I dared not think, feelings I dared not speak off, everything crystalizes and then shatters. Like liquid glass dropped into a pool of water, suddenly becoming solid, and as it solidifies, going from elastic liquid to solid crystal clear, suddenly ready to be smashed into a billion shards of razor sharp crystal. That is how I am feeling now.

A feeling ineffable, a beauty I don’t know I can endure. These feelings come through me waveless, soundless, transparent, translucent, yet opaque, they cloud the horizon yet illuminate me within. This is Major Tom to Ground Control, left the docking pad and am floating away, goodbye.

I don’t know why I feel this way. Feel like the weight of the world has been released from my shoulders. I feel ready to take the blame for what I am, to take the punishment that anybody cares to unleash, none of it can be worse than that what I have already put myself through. Janis was right, when she said, that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. With nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. When you have reached the bottom, even rolling over is an accomplishment. I can’t fall any farther, and I am ready for anybody who cares to fall on top of me. We can stack ourselves together and make a pile a mile high, back to ground level.  I can only fall up from here. When everything that I have done seems to have been the wrong thing, I can’t help but do right I suppose. At least that is what it feels like to me, at this moment, at this place, at this time. Maybe I am already dead, or I must be dying, because I feel like I have achieved what I was meant to do. I have found the answer at last, it was not something I can pass on, because everybody has a different question, and it is in releasing the question from my reach that I realized what I was looking for.

Of course, none of this makes any sense, and I am sure I will come across this posting tomorrow, or some time in the future and wonder what sort of nonesense was I spouting.

All I know is that right now, I feel I am in the right place, that this is the right time, and the best part is, that I don’t need to be doing anything, everything is just going to be alright. I just have to hold on to this feeling and I can make it through everyday. All the pain and trouble I have gone through and caused in the past was just to burn for me a clearing in which I can no lay down. I am not even sure if I am still breathing, if this is real or some sort of other life. I guess this is what happens when a Solipsist finds himself.